Christmas Hannukah in Merger Talks

A few years ago, my colleague sent me an email in the form of a humorous press release regarding the merger of Hannukah and Christmas. I turned the email into a small speech that I gave at our firm holiday party.

Apparently, the idea of the merger is not so far fetched as it seemed then, judging by this post from Tech Law Advisor and others out in the blogosphere.

Anyway, I dug out the old speech and reprint for your enjoyment below:

As many of you know, my practice involves mergers and acquisitions. I am, also, among other things, a student of yiddish.

So before I get all farblondzet, and you gey shlofn, I have an important announcement to make. And don’t tell me this is a kakameyme or farkatke idea. Hear me out.

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hannukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hannukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the fifteen days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords-a-leaping and maids-a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidel currently in hebrew, will be replaced by latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "a great miracle happened there," the message on the dreidel will be the more generic "miraculous stuff happens."

In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be kosher.

All sides appeared happy about this. A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Hanukkah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the U.S. holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.

He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."